I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.