Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?