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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
A classic…
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape