Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.