It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.