15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.