Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.