I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
😅😅😅
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME