Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.