There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.