I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”