grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
when someone compliments me
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself