Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?