I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.