Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid