my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
There’s no “u” in narcissist
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
who will stop them
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast