U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.