My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.