me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months