USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”