I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Erm…
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is