14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
🐕🍷
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside