My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Wait a minute
I feel attacked.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Merry Christmas
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.