I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning