Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT