When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it