if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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And that about sums it up.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house