In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.
The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.
I’m doing interval training. It’s just that the intervals are very far apart.
I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.
When I saw grown ups in public kissing I’d ask my mom, “What are they doing?” Now I wonder the same thing.
This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
Stretching before working out is for wussies could someone please call 911?
The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel.
Dinosaurs: We’ll take those odds!