@AGreaterMonster

In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.

@AGreaterMonster

The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.

@AGreaterMonster

I’m doing interval training. It’s just that the intervals are very far apart.

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@AGreaterMonster

When I saw grown ups in public kissing I’d ask my mom, “What are they doing?” Now I wonder the same thing.

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@AGreaterMonster

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.

@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

@AGreaterMonster

The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel.

Dinosaurs: We’ll take those odds!