Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
The Others (2001)
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
You can’t outrun your problems…