ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
can’t bark with your mouth full
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*