Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots