It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
