Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”