PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”