ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.