Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine