Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!