[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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having children is a pyramid scheme.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.