In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free