*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?