by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks