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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I bet
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”