Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Don’t touch that.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me