The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?