@AdamTheLobster

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

@AdamTheLobster

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@AdamTheLobster

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@AdamTheLobster

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark