Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
A double negative is a big no-no.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me