My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.