Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Sorry. Not sorry
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school