Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
#titanic
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”