I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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Shoo shoo! 😂
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Fluff me with a fork baby
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: