“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘An End’, so that all good things must come to me.
“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf
–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?
Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.
*knocks on donation door
Me: I have a donation
Salvation Army: Ma’am, once again… you cannot donate your man
Me: You have stupid rules!
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.