If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.